That fish has been like me the last couple of days. I flip from peace to fear, peace to fear. I had been very contentedly swimming in God's mercy, grace, and peace. Then I got snagged by fear and have become tossed about. I long to be back in the refreshing, life giving waters.
I have decided to go to MD Anderson Hospital in Houston for a second opinion. My cancer is very rare in it's manifestation. I'm hoping that perhaps they have dealt with cases like mine and will be able to advise me as to the best course of action. My great hope is that they will say "Take the Femara that UAB gave you and in some period of time you will be in remission."
My fear is that I'll go to Houston and they may say, "Ok, let's cut out those 3 operable tumors. We'll leave that inoperable one and give you some strong chemo then radiation to hopefully get rid of it." That's where the fear starts. I DON'T want surgery, chemo, and radiation again. I've been there and done that and it was a nightmare for me. Side effect lasted 2.5 years. On the other hand, I want to be around a lot longer. (I want my grandchildren's wedding programs to list seating of the grandmothers and that be ME! I don't want "the flowers are given in loving memory of Mimi...")
If you are the praying kind would you pray that I won't be tricked by the fancy bait that is thrown my way? I long to stay back in the life -giving waters of peace. I want to stay the course faithfully.
3 comments:
Oh Mary- I've been thinking about you very often & I'm so glad to get your update. What a great expressive writer you are. I am in total agreement with your wishes. May it be so. I love you bunches!
You know I'm with you! I just thought---you've given several senarios (sp) but wouldn't it be just like God to develop a plan YOU havent even thought of yet. He is like that, you know! :)
Mary, you have been on my mind a lot and I have really been praying for you. One thing I have been thinking about in the last month or so is "each day has enough trouble of its own." Every time I don't take this concept seriously I start to sink fast. I remember something you said to me over 21 years ago, "God will not give you grace in advance." This is very true. He will not. I am praying that you would be able to take captive the thoughts that any of us would fight, and that would subsume us if not for God's mercy... Much, much love, Jen
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