Like A fish On A Hot Rock

Can't you just picture it? A fisherman out by a stream snags a fish, removes the hook and tosses the prize onto a rock at the waters edge. The fish are biting. He's got to keep casting to get more. The fish on the rock baking in the sun flips back and forth, back and forth desperately needing to flip back into that cool, life-giving water. Occasionally, one will manage to flip back in undetected when the fisherman's back is turned.

That fish has been like me the last couple of days. I flip from peace to fear, peace to fear. I had been very contentedly swimming in God's mercy, grace, and peace. Then I got snagged by fear and have become tossed about. I long to be back in the refreshing, life giving waters.

I have decided to go to MD Anderson Hospital in Houston for a second opinion. My cancer is very rare in it's manifestation. I'm hoping that perhaps they have dealt with cases like mine and will be able to advise me as to the best course of action. My great hope is that they will say "Take the Femara that UAB gave you and in some period of time you will be in remission."

My fear is that I'll go to Houston and they may say, "Ok, let's cut out those 3 operable tumors. We'll leave that inoperable one and give you some strong chemo then radiation to hopefully get rid of it." That's where the fear starts. I DON'T want surgery, chemo, and radiation again. I've been there and done that and it was a nightmare for me. Side effect lasted 2.5 years. On the other hand, I want to be around a lot longer. (I want my grandchildren's wedding programs to list seating of the grandmothers and that be ME! I don't want "the flowers are given in loving memory of Mimi...")

If you are the praying kind would you pray that I won't be tricked by the fancy bait that is thrown my way? I long to stay back in the life -giving waters of peace. I want to stay the course faithfully.